Conservative Jesus and the Privatisation of Heaven

Nadhim Zahawi, Tory Minister for Vaccine Deployment, posted an image on Twitter to mark the start of the Easter Weekend. The picture contained all the essentials to announce to his followers that Good Friday was upon us: a cross, the words ‘Good Friday’ and a logo of the Conservative Party.

It begs the question what Zahawi is trying to say. Is Good Friday now officially sponsored by the Conservatives? Was Jesus Christ a Tory? Pontius Pilate perhaps? Whatever it is, it fits in perfectly with the Conservative policy of privatising all services that people depend on, yet appropriating national symbols and apolitical festivities. No Conservative MP can be seen in public without a Union Flag the size of a (British made) car, and now the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ has fallen victim to a hostile takeover by Britain’s largest political party.

If you’re even remotely familiar with the Bible, you’ll notice that the life and teachings of Jesus Christ have remarkably little in common with everything the Conservative Party stands for. Jesus gave free food to the hungry, healed people without expecting anything in return, despised business conducted in the temple, preached acceptance of society’s rejects, paying taxes and made salvation available for all – for free.

Whatever your political leaning or religious beliefs, anyone would struggle to match up the denying/cutting of disability benefits to the needy, the consistent underfunding of the NHS, scrapping the Human Rights Act and the mistreatment of the victims of Grenfell (among many other examples) with anything remotely to do with the Son of God. We may need to entertain the option that there was in fact a Conservative Jesus who is the inspiration for self-professed Christians such as Jacob Rees-Mogg, Theresa May and other prominent Conservatives. This Conservative Jesus would ‘heal’ the sick by declaring them fit for work, would refuse to feed the 5000 (it would only encourage them to be lazy, after all) and who would likely privatise heaven.

But I digress. If the Conservatives are this keen to stick their logo on just about anything, one does well to wonder what would be next. I’ve taken the liberty to come up with some suggestions:

• Print the logo of the Conservatives on the shirts of the England national football team
• Tattoo the logo of the Conservatives on the forehead of the Queen
• Add the word ‘Conservatives’ to the national anthem

I do admit that the above is rather ridiculous, but so is adding the Conservative logo to an image of the cross and the words ‘Good Friday’ – unless it is a direct reference to the Conservatives having put the Good Friday Agreement in serious jeopardy; that deserves to have the Conservative logo all over it.